perspective shift

We moved! The last week in May we closed on a house in Boise. The home buying process really started for us in January. When we came back from Seattle we were living at a home that Matt's mom owns. It was a great fit temporarily but we wanted something more permanent for the boys, especially because our oldest is starting high school next year. (!!!)

After almost 6 months of house hunting, I thought we should just throw in the towel. We had put in offers and had the owner decide to rent it out instead or raise the price $20,000. Seriously, so many crazy stories to tell. Finally we found a good fit and fought through the closing process that was again, the hardest we have experienced in 5 times buying a home. We are getting moved in to the new place and I will share it on the blog, but I wanted to share the space we created in our "temporary" home first. 

I was having such a pity party. When I would fall in love with a house and it fell through, I would freak out. It felt like, even though it was only a few months, we would never find and close on something that could be home for the 6 of us for the next season. 

Then Matt's mom asked me to take photos of the house we had been staying in, so that after we moved out she could list them for future renters. Total perspective shift. I cleaned everything and staged it like a house showing and snapped away. I was feeling so good about what we had done since August to make the place feel like "us." Love the one you're with. Or something like that.

 Our bedroom.

 Half bath.

 One of the boys bedrooms. (random side note; I regret not setting up the boys beds straight away. It felt very sloppy for all those months. Matt and I set their beds up right away in the new house. Lesson learned.)

 Front room as you enter the front door.

 Front room looking at the front door.

 Kitchen.

 Bathroom. Matt hung old fence pickets as towel hooks and shelves in here and I cannot wait to do it again in another space. I don't care how modern the trends go, shabby chic has my heart.

The back patio with some plant I don't know going nuts. There is also a wisteria that is monstrous out there. A decade ago there was a sewer leak so all the plants are real happy out there ;)

It was so interesting to me that such a simple practice could give me a new outlook. I have already been doing that at the new house. When I get stuck with something about a different set up, I will clean house and start hanging pictures for the now. The perfectionist has got to go, after all, we will probably be moving again soon. Ha! (laughing out loud, crying inside)

when the baby goes to Kindergarten

 When the baby goes to Kindergarten. Where to start? I have been a mess about this transition. First I felt like Collin was just not ready. He is the fourth of four boys. This means he is loud, he has to be! He has also gotten used to his brothers doing things for him. We chose for him to not go to preschool so there is a social adjustment as well. I realize these are all reasons to send him to school so he can learn these things. Except in my experience, school does not teach these things. A kid like him suffers  a great deal in the traditional public school system. I know this in part from our other boys experience, my time substitute teaching, and mostly from his daddy. 

Well, I worked it through and decided that it was indeed my issues, not Collin's that were the problem. (this is usually the case.) We are unable to do homeschool or private school so barring Catholic School, our boys will be in the public school system. Delaying Collin by a year, making him a very old Kindergartener, would not solve much. Now I have to deal with my feelings about the approaching school year with all four boys enrolled. Yowza, cue the tears, fears, catastrophizing, and actual nightmares. 

   It is big deal and I won't let anyone tell me it's not! I have had this stay at home mom gig for awhile now and yea, it's unpaid and exhausting and very unglamorous but it's been my life since high school. I have had this little guy all day since he was born, or he has been with Grandma or some other situation where he was spoiled rotten. Anyway, I don't even know what I'll miss because I have taken it all for grated all these years. I mean, I knew Collin was the last of our brood so I soaked in that newborn smell a little longer, took a few more pictures, & let him wear ridiculous outfits more often. I have tried to live up this precious time with my son the best I could. 

   And that is the problem! I feel like it hurts more because of that connection. I feel like I am being punished for loving them too much. I feel like my job as a mother is over. (can you hear me in full panic mode?) I know I'm their mom forever but it feels like something sacred is ending. Because it is. 

  So, here we are on the night before Collin's first day. Hot tears are streaming down my face and my stomach is in knots. But I will hope and trust. Because that is what we moms do, hope and trust…and wipe lil butts. (that should totally be a bumper sticker!) Here is my hope for you sweet baby Archuleta;

Dear Collin,

  

Wow, big things happening for you this year. You are five now, so you can buckle your own  seatbelt, get yourself breakfast, & build the most fantastic Lego spaceships. And tomorrow, you will be a Kindergartener! You have already had your shots, you didn't even fuss at all. We chose the perfect blue backpack for you and you look especially handsome with your recent haircut. 

  There are so many fun things you will love about school. You get to meet new friends, play at recess, and learn to read! You will have some teachers that make you laugh, some that challenge you, and some that should just go ahead and retire. But I hope they learn from you too, Collin. I hope your enthusiasm is contagious and they get a lethal dose of it. I hope they can forgive wrong like you can, that each day they give you the same do over that you give me so often. I hope they listen to the stories you tell and teach you to keep imagining.

  And most of all, I am praying that you will feel so very loved when you get home from school. That your mom will be ready to listen to all the day's events and celebrate with you. That no matter the bumps and bruises along the way, we can do it together. I will be waiting with milk and cookies-because I have never had the time to do that, and now I do!

  Go get 'em Butterbean.

Love,

Mama

eyebrow update and my quotable Collin

 Of first importance, I have dealt with my crazy Brooke Shields eyebrow sitch. I tried threading! Have you heard of this? Well it was awkward and that is why I am now telling the interwebs all about it. The place I went was a kiosk in the mall. Yes, I  totally trusted a pop up stand outside Abercrombie & Finch with MY FACE. So there are people walking by, uhhh "Hi?" I wanted to get my money's worth, ($15) so I had let them go for like a month. There is hair flying and it is ei-yi-yi, very painful. Then the lady smiles at my, admiring her handiwork and hands me a mirror. Wowza! I can see again! Also I resemble a cavewoman less.

Okay, onto the less awkward. Collin is cute. He still says everyday words in super adorable ways so I am recording them here:
"Lish-shush" (Delicious)
"Plause" (Pause)
"I AM DOOR!" (I am Thor! And sometimes when he is feeling extra awesome it sounds like "I am Dork!)
"American Wheel" (Ferris Wheel)
"Tangle this for me? (Tie this together)
"E-leb-bum E-leb-bum" (7-11)
I speak fluent Collin and love it, best of luck to his Kindergarten teacher, though :/

cute kids and a psychotic break

We just returned early from a trip to Idaho. 7 days of fun, sun, & nervous breakdowns. Man if we don't have some good looking littles, though.

 Cousin Kace

 Cousin Kiel

 Cousin Koen

 Uncle Tee

 Not happy about a group photo.

 Parker and Kaleb had their first jump off a diving board.

 Sweet P!

And I got to meet Miles! He was such a happy baby, no matter if this is the only photo I snapped.

hot mom

 This is my beautiful mother. (circa 1980 maybe?) We are at a really great place in our relationship, mostly because I am less of a brat. I just appreciate her so much more. She is so classy, she has been through a whole lotta mess in her life but she always keeps it classy . I love her role with the boys, she will jump into whatever they are into just to be in it with them.

Also, it has been especially comforting to me that she made it through all my teenage drama & gasp! she actually still likes me. I mean of course you love your kids but somedays...man alive, I do not like mine very much. And if my boy's ever updated their blogs, they would tell you how they feel about me these days. Like when Collin walked into the room at 10:30am last Sunday and said "Happy Mother's Day is over now!" Aye-yi-yi. This too shall pass?

 Love you Mom, I am grateful we had the chance to celebrate you last weekend, just the two of us. (We went to Toulouse!) And thank you Poppa Ken for wrastlin' the natives for me while we were out.

***update***
just found this in my inbox, indulge in this love fest with me, mkay?

Good morning, sweet one, my heart is so full and so warmed by your "hot mom" (love that) blog.  I am completely honored and extremely blessed to be your Moma!  You stole my heart the second I knew you were going to be my firstborn and the second  your big beautiful brown eyes looked into mine immediately after your were delivered, that is special love!

 

Thank you so very much for the perfect Mother's Day Weekend.  I cherish our time together and the Mother's Night dinner was something so special, thank you!  I've shown the photobook around all over Boise and everyone has loved and appreciated it as much as I do, thank you for always celebrating with photos (love my photo book collection).

 

Ken has the bicycle all put together and we hope to go for a ride this weekend (he has to tune his up).  I'm very excited about that.  Thanks for the contribution to getting your Moma more fit :) 

 

We are praying for the timing to be perfect for closing on the house and getting the move completed.  We pray for you all each morning.  Hugs and kisses around, talk with you soon.

 

LUVA YOU -

Moma

storytime

 In the beginning of my 8th grade year at North Junior High in Boise, ID, I almost got my trash kicked. I was standing at my locker, all 70 pounds of bones in my too-big cheerleader uniform, when a very angry Krissy approached. Word around the preteen scene was that I had called her the B word. I was a very mouthy 13 year old but on this account I was innocent. We had a very heated discussion and then, as will happen with girls this age, walked away friends. In fact, Krissy remained one of my closest friends throughout my time at NJHS & later in high school. Krissy was a bad ass. She had a big, protective family with brothers & cousins. And somehow, I was in with them, too.
 Krissy still looks out for me. She checks in via Facebook & asks how the Seattle Experiment is going. She & I plan for a day when we can get her boys and mine together even though we are far apart for this season.

 When Matt's cousin was shot in the line of duty & all the what-ifs that I had tried not to think about Matt's line of work flooded in, I met another friend. She had been another active parent at the boy's school in Nampa & bonus points, she always had some fabulous accessory in her hair. Marcela was reeling from her own personal crisis but reached out to me. I call her Mafia, she is also a bad ass. She grew up in Nampa, in a bad part of town  (near Matt, actually) & is all the more street wise for it. Somehow she loves this still too mouthy white girl that is me.
 Marcela is a champion for me to not lose me in Mommyhood. She has now coined the phrase "Queen of the World Moment," meaning good self-care has to be a priority for us in raising kids. I never feel dumb sharing photos of what I'm wearing or how I did my hair with Marcela. She is always telling me not to lose my sparkle....or else ;)

 Fast forward to our life in the Emerald City. I have found friendship with a fierce little Italian woman who bosses me around & makes me try amazing pork products. (I love you, Ang!) She drags me out of the house on bad days with homeschool & takes me out to comfort food. She tells me her story of almost being killed in a car accident & coming out of a coma & the physical therapy she is still doing. It inspires me & pulls me out of my funk.

 My neighbor, Rhiannon is the kindest woman I've met up here but when our landlords were being too pushy, she cornered them & gave 'em the what for. She is always putting a glass of red wine in my hand & laughing with me about our kids last antics. She challenges me that my five year needs to wipe his own behind. (working on it!)

 I love a strong woman. I need loyal friends. It goes along with the idea Oprah talked about, that every woman needs a wife. Woman leaning on other women to get through this life. Like Sister Wives but not tabloid worthy. 

expectations vs. reality

Almost a year has passed since our trek to the Pacific Northwest. That feels somehow significant to me. Like it is worthy of a balloon release or confetti toss. Also, it feels heavy with disappointment. A year ago I had such high hopes, and my! how the mighty have fallen.

I thought my super charismatic, competent, & qualified husband would have a job in a matter of weeks. It took more than 6 months.

I thought my sister & I would be up all night reliving funny childhood memories & cracking inside jokes. She is living in another part of the city & we see each other about once a month.

I thought we were going to join a community of believers at a thriving local church. We are not. (not ready to talk about this yet.)

I thought when we got qualified to buy a home & our lease was up, we would make the leap into Washington home ownership. In reality there is some kind of Spring buying craze going on in our area with multiple, above asking price offers being thrown in the ring. This kind of stress I find particularly toxic, I fear getting caught up in the panic & paying more than the house is actually worth.

I thought making new friends would be easy. It is not. I have discovered I am quite the introvert & being social is "work" for me. The vulnerability, the emotional risk of being the newbie is exhausting.

I thought we had found the perfect rental. It has been a good fit but as with anything, I find myself focusing on the garage that leaks or the lack of a dishwasher.

I thought we had good budgeting skills. The  cost of living in Nampa, I discovered, is 5% less than the national average. The cost of living in West Seattle is 45% higher than the national average. That is a 50% increase for us. No wonder my budget won't work.

I thought Matt & I would continue to date, with plenty of romantic fodder as we explored a new city together. We were spoiled with weekly dates in Idaho, now it is about once every other month. (Thank you Grandparents!)

I thought our venture into Virtual Academy would help with the public school burn out we were suffering from. The school has since changed Parker's teacher 3 times this year. (Did I tell you I wanted the boys in online school for stability???)

I thought I would keep up with Idaho friends through Skype & Facebook or emailing. A few of these dear friends have just had babies. New precious little ones I am missing out on!

So, if you are still reading this window into my soul, there you have it. On the up side this round of expectation vs. reality is hilarious, maybe I will laugh at mine later... much later.

sickos

  My babies are sick. It is a rare thing for me to be able to mother them. They simply won't stand for it on the day to day. So a tiny part of me rejoices when fever sets in & they are mine again. They want the back rubs, the books read to them. Along with gatorade & popsicles, because that is the sick ritual 'round these parts. At my house growing up it was 7-up and vanilla ice cream. More than a time or two I feigned illness to stay home, tended to by my mom.
 I had to shift by a mile to become this caregiver, you know. I was not known for my great empathy or compassion. It seems so unfair then, that just as I came to love it, the boys seem to have such little need for my nurture. But those changes are more for us parents anyhow. That is why grandparents are such lovely folks. They have been molded & shaped over time. They've figured out the really good parts to focus on & what bits are best left unsaid. And they never are short on sugary treats, which, let's face it are the best remedy for a bad day.
  I am struck by the middle place I am residing in. Not yet gray and wise but not so enthused & hopeful as in my younger days. A lot of "press on" but, "enjoy the present!" And all the while not forgetting the past.     It is a mad pull from all angles.

 What about you, moms? How do you deal with the exhaustion? The loneliness? The fears?

spring "break"

The Archuletas have their very first broken bone. Aden was the first to need stitches and now he has broken his left forearm. (They gave me all these fancy terms for it but whatev) There are a few pics on his blog.

Of course, as a mom, I am freaking out. I can't help it. It is hard to see your child hurting, plus I struggle with false guilt in general so this will take me awhile to wrestle through. We had this nightmare experience with the ER. (Maybe this is everyone's experience?) We checked in at 8pm and checked out at 2:30am- WITHOUT the x-rays that would be needed to get a cast put on at Seattle Children's Hospital! Yuck! I seriously was having this re-occuring thought that we would never be able to leave.

Lately it has really gotten to me how rude this city can be. Just a lot of encounters with busy, angry city dwellers pushing through life...uggh... It would not be so difficult if I had a community to laugh at it all with. That kind of thing takes time though, and even more time with four kids and homeschool to manage. Couple this feeling with an injured child, two missed opportunities to see old friends visiting, and well, I am kind of in a funk. Last Easter was a big deal for our family, I think I am having letdown from that as well.

Anyway, Collin woke up with a stomach bug, Mom has the blues, and Aden is rocking a neon green cast. Aren't we a hat trick of malady.

oh baby!

Last week we snuck away for a quick visit to Idaho. Some close friends of mine are welcoming lil' people into their lives. I wanted to surprise Andrea at her baby shower for her 1st baby. It worked! She had no idea & was thrilled to see my face at the door.

 Lil' Koenig is one lucky duck, mom is an excellent baker & dad is an amazing chef. Who wouldn't want to live in that house?

 A couple more weeks until Andrea is holding a sweet smelling newborn, can you see her necklace? Ooh, I am just so excited for her!

 Then there is my sassy friend Marcela. I call her Mafia because if you cross her, she will cut you. I found a diva to call friend & now she has a little diva of her own. Meet Paloma Evangeline, the pics just do not do her justice. In fact, I was so elated to meet this little lady, my camera was bouncing all over the place. I have the honor of being Fairy Godmother to Paloma- isn't that just the best? As close to a daughter as I think I'll get.

 Girlfriend has mad style & likes to shop already!

 She even cruised through dinner with good friends, Fawn & Marcela, at my beloved Brick29 Bistro.

My girl time tank needed a filling, February in Seattle can really rub the sparkle out of a girl. This trip reminded me that, even though we celebrate boy a lot at our house, this girl is loved.

going to get weird

 To start, because it is awesome & goes unrecorded all too often. Collin serenaded us with, "I like green beans and I cannot lie!" last night at the family dinner table. Happens a million times a day. I am dumbfounded at how funny & weird my kid is. It is really the only way I am making it through these long February days.
 Speaking of dinner. We were spending almost $1000 a month to feed ourselves. Say what, now? Cah-ra-zee. I have worked to get it back to $800. Still a long way from the $400 we could get by with in Idaho, though.
 Lentils were becoming my best friend because they are so darn nutritious & cheap. Not a very common occurrence. Then the stomach bug of 2012 hit. Blech! Not wanting to consume another lentil anytime soon, if you catch my drift. Also, I am not recommending it, but I did lose all my holiday weight with the stomach flu diet. (silver lining?)
 I feel like we are slowly waking up from a hibernation. I think we all go out with a bang at Christmas time. Before tucking away for the winter. Then the end of February hits. You are still half asleep but you have to go to the bathroom & that terrible morning taste has formed in your mouth. (sorry Feb., but it is true)
 I have been blocked a bit when it comes to the blog. Blogging about anything that matters is a place of vulnerability. It is to me, like that naked public speaking dream. I am only in this blog world for the feedback, even if it will just be my own in 2060, reflecting on what a full life we lived. Serving as a baby book of sorts. But for the day to day, it has not really scratched the validation itch.
 And maybe that is a good thing. A great thing, really. Because I need to stretch & grow & not be such a darn people pleaser. On the blog & in real life.
 So here goes the vulnerability part. I really want a baby. Not a child. A baby. I know what to do with a baby. A preteen? Yea, I have not quite got that figured out. The thing is, all the "somedays" are happening right now. Someday we will be tee-ball parents, someday we will play tooth fairy, someday they will know all the words to "Baby Got Back." (just kidding) All these hopes & dreams are coming true. It is so satisfying & rich, but also SO SAD. I did not really dream a dream past 10 years old. And now that we are there, I am just so exhausted.
 So.... add a baby to this over-priced, diarrheal, seasonally affected bunch... right???!!!

via

storytime

 
How was your weekend? Matt was out of town for Sunday so I sat around all day & let the boys entertain themselves. I had entire pints of ice cream & caught up on all my shows, like I had just had a bad break up. I even did the ugly cry when Will Schuester proposed on Glee.
 Matt & I had a terrible dating relationship. Our very first break up was so silly. I was going to see my dad & I said I would miss Matt, he would not say it back. Well, I really didn't think we had anything left to say after that. (double snap!) We worked it out later over the phone, me in Arizona, but Matt was in front of a living room full of people at his mom's. (back when you were tethered to the wall to talk on the phone) He started crying & got a bloody nose. Now tell me, would it not have just been easier to say, "I'll miss you, too"?!
image found here

storytime

  I want to tell more stories on this blog. So I am starting with my very first one. My very first memory. It takes place at preschool. It is actually at preschool storytime, which happened, as is often the case, after show and tell. The teacher was open to a few students bringing something to share with the group. I was one of the kiddos that brought something that day. It was a doll of my sister's & it had a wood cradle & a blanket that went along with it. I shared with the group then took it back to my cubby after the allotted sharing time was over. Then, for reasons unknown to me, I felt the pull to stay at my cubby and play with the doll. I was told repeatedly to put it away & come back for circle time for a story. This sticks out vividly in my mind because I am a rule follower. I try to learn and master systems, I am a little autistic that way. (well, an internet test once told me that's what it is) Anyway, you have to know how strong that desire must have been that day to stay with the doll at the cubby, for me to ignore & continue to disobey my teachers commands. And then, face the consequence of having a time out.

  There are times in life when my main wiring for following the rules will become unhinged & with equal conviction, I will fight unto death (or time out) against those authorities I was hell bent on pleasing. I think the effect is particularly confusing for others.

  In my last few years I have been learning the toxicity of religion. The rules that have made me to feel safe & accepted have failed me. I have missed out on community because the rules were valued over relationship. This first memory of mine is so strong because I was barely ever immersed in childhood things. I was busy asking my dad about hermaphrodites. (no joke, check-out line at a busy grocery store around age 6) I had a great childhood with a lot of happy memories but none but this one where I remember delighting in something DESPITE others being clearly unhappy with me. I want that place again. Not that I want to be selfish & play alone with my stuff. But to let unfiltered joy find a place in my life. Where I am not worried how it will sound, what people will think, or who will like me less.
(image found here)

weekend

Something terrible awful happened this weekend. This little guy, well, he turned 12. I am heartbroken. I told him a million times to quit growing and he has not listened. 

Upbeat birthday post to come, once I stop sobbing.

let's get physical

image found here

It is the beginning of the year and all the exercise talk starts up. All the gyms are packed. (or so I have heard) I was reflecting on this, because I am 30 now, which means I am more reflective. Or at least I am trying to be. I actually think I may have an insight on this. I have been doing some light stretching & cardio once a day for about 10-20 minutes. Nothing much, right? Well, I have noticed that the nagging inner voice that is never satisfied, (You're too flabby, too pale, not youthful, not in style, undesirable. You guys have any of these?) well, it has piped down a bit. I want to stress, THIS IS NOT BASED ON VISIBLE RESULTS. It is just a thought change. Like I have checked the box & told my self-hate, I'M WORKIN' ON IT, so just shut up already!

purge

blechhhhhh!aggleflabbleahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhf@!#ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

click on photo for source

So...you know when you are mad because someone made you mad but you are more mad because you allowed them to make you mad? Mad about being mad? That's what I am feeling right this very second.
In case you were wondering. Thanks for letting me word vomit. I feel so much better now. Have a beautiful weekend.

We will be playing with Papa Ken & Granny Annie, they arrived yesterday! Pics & post to come.

control freak

I am waving my freak flag high here. I am, admittedly, a huge control freak. Raising these boys serves as a daily reminder that I have little to no control in life. That's okay, I know The Boss well, His plans are good & so is His track record.

 You know what I can control? Serving up a warm bowl of Olive Garden inspired soup.

 And there were even candles on the table. FANCY.

found here