storytime

  I want to tell more stories on this blog. So I am starting with my very first one. My very first memory. It takes place at preschool. It is actually at preschool storytime, which happened, as is often the case, after show and tell. The teacher was open to a few students bringing something to share with the group. I was one of the kiddos that brought something that day. It was a doll of my sister's & it had a wood cradle & a blanket that went along with it. I shared with the group then took it back to my cubby after the allotted sharing time was over. Then, for reasons unknown to me, I felt the pull to stay at my cubby and play with the doll. I was told repeatedly to put it away & come back for circle time for a story. This sticks out vividly in my mind because I am a rule follower. I try to learn and master systems, I am a little autistic that way. (well, an internet test once told me that's what it is) Anyway, you have to know how strong that desire must have been that day to stay with the doll at the cubby, for me to ignore & continue to disobey my teachers commands. And then, face the consequence of having a time out.

  There are times in life when my main wiring for following the rules will become unhinged & with equal conviction, I will fight unto death (or time out) against those authorities I was hell bent on pleasing. I think the effect is particularly confusing for others.

  In my last few years I have been learning the toxicity of religion. The rules that have made me to feel safe & accepted have failed me. I have missed out on community because the rules were valued over relationship. This first memory of mine is so strong because I was barely ever immersed in childhood things. I was busy asking my dad about hermaphrodites. (no joke, check-out line at a busy grocery store around age 6) I had a great childhood with a lot of happy memories but none but this one where I remember delighting in something DESPITE others being clearly unhappy with me. I want that place again. Not that I want to be selfish & play alone with my stuff. But to let unfiltered joy find a place in my life. Where I am not worried how it will sound, what people will think, or who will like me less.
(image found here)