when the baby goes to Kindergarten

 When the baby goes to Kindergarten. Where to start? I have been a mess about this transition. First I felt like Collin was just not ready. He is the fourth of four boys. This means he is loud, he has to be! He has also gotten used to his brothers doing things for him. We chose for him to not go to preschool so there is a social adjustment as well. I realize these are all reasons to send him to school so he can learn these things. Except in my experience, school does not teach these things. A kid like him suffers  a great deal in the traditional public school system. I know this in part from our other boys experience, my time substitute teaching, and mostly from his daddy. 

Well, I worked it through and decided that it was indeed my issues, not Collin's that were the problem. (this is usually the case.) We are unable to do homeschool or private school so barring Catholic School, our boys will be in the public school system. Delaying Collin by a year, making him a very old Kindergartener, would not solve much. Now I have to deal with my feelings about the approaching school year with all four boys enrolled. Yowza, cue the tears, fears, catastrophizing, and actual nightmares. 

   It is big deal and I won't let anyone tell me it's not! I have had this stay at home mom gig for awhile now and yea, it's unpaid and exhausting and very unglamorous but it's been my life since high school. I have had this little guy all day since he was born, or he has been with Grandma or some other situation where he was spoiled rotten. Anyway, I don't even know what I'll miss because I have taken it all for grated all these years. I mean, I knew Collin was the last of our brood so I soaked in that newborn smell a little longer, took a few more pictures, & let him wear ridiculous outfits more often. I have tried to live up this precious time with my son the best I could. 

   And that is the problem! I feel like it hurts more because of that connection. I feel like I am being punished for loving them too much. I feel like my job as a mother is over. (can you hear me in full panic mode?) I know I'm their mom forever but it feels like something sacred is ending. Because it is. 

  So, here we are on the night before Collin's first day. Hot tears are streaming down my face and my stomach is in knots. But I will hope and trust. Because that is what we moms do, hope and trust…and wipe lil butts. (that should totally be a bumper sticker!) Here is my hope for you sweet baby Archuleta;

Dear Collin,

  

Wow, big things happening for you this year. You are five now, so you can buckle your own  seatbelt, get yourself breakfast, & build the most fantastic Lego spaceships. And tomorrow, you will be a Kindergartener! You have already had your shots, you didn't even fuss at all. We chose the perfect blue backpack for you and you look especially handsome with your recent haircut. 

  There are so many fun things you will love about school. You get to meet new friends, play at recess, and learn to read! You will have some teachers that make you laugh, some that challenge you, and some that should just go ahead and retire. But I hope they learn from you too, Collin. I hope your enthusiasm is contagious and they get a lethal dose of it. I hope they can forgive wrong like you can, that each day they give you the same do over that you give me so often. I hope they listen to the stories you tell and teach you to keep imagining.

  And most of all, I am praying that you will feel so very loved when you get home from school. That your mom will be ready to listen to all the day's events and celebrate with you. That no matter the bumps and bruises along the way, we can do it together. I will be waiting with milk and cookies-because I have never had the time to do that, and now I do!

  Go get 'em Butterbean.

Love,

Mama