Motherly Love

Why is that not the saying? Why not Motherly Love instead of Brotherly Love? I guess because Mother is synonymous with love. Mine for sure is.

We had a lovely Mother's Day celebration this year at Bonefish downtown. Also, a girls day for donuts and pedicures.







































 This past school year has been just like my journey to motherhood. A little place in my body, growing something new. Taking far too long and leaving me lost in possibility.

What on earth have I been up to? I wanted to post all about taking some classes, or volunteering for an amazing organization. I wanted a checklist. Something impressive. It's all the same though. I still prep meals, I still do laundry, and I still binge Netflix more than I should. Turns out there is work for a stay at home mom even when her kids are away at school.

I was listening to Rob Bell's podcast recently. (One of the things I am doing with my time while the boys are at school.) He was speaking with Krista Tippett about creating a space for something new to happen. It hit me like a lightening bolt. That has been my journey this year. This opportunity in time for something new to grow. A lot of praying, meditating, reflecting. And a whole lot of House of Cards. ;)

So that's it. I have a newborn. My time is a newborn. It's in it's infancy. It keeps me up at night and it comes with weird food cravings. It may blossom into more writing. More photography. For sure more prayers. I have just tried to enjoy the "pregnancy" without expectations. Because I am creating space for something new to happen. That's exciting.

Just look at those man cubs! Those courageous, hilarious bits of bone and flesh that came from me. It's a holy thing to raise them. Besides that podcast, which I would highly recommend, I also read this post from Ann Voscamp. So good and so timely. We need triage for moms of teenagers!

Mostly, it has been a school year of exhausting growth all around. All the good stuff. The goodnight kisses, the homemade Mother's Day gifts, the silly puns during carpool. And it is all mixed in with grouchy mornings, forgotten chores, and harsh words spoken. It's a swirly blend of breathless and grateful. Stressed out and simultaneously aware that we are living one hell of a wonderful life. Just doing my thing to be the Motherly Love that guides this band of wild men.

report card

   As usual, my youngest son has flipped my perspective on parenting on it's head. A few months back I received Collin's report card. His progress is always good but the report is filled with categories like, "needs improvement," or "does not meet standard." It is a difficult thing to take in as a mom. I have three other kids that have very different, very high-achieving report cards. And, in raising these four boys, I have never seen any of them work as hard as Collin. 

   I am so very proud of the work he puts in. With ADHD and dyslexia, the classroom is not an ideal place for him. He keeps his teacher and I guessing, for example, it will take him anywhere between one and three weeks to master a spelling list. No real pattern or method for success has been apparent. Yet he greets each school day with enthusiasm. He is quite social with his peers and many of his teacher aides have commented on that joy of his. 

   Medication was not a good fit for Collin right now. Maybe in the future we will investigate further.  (Middle School, I'm looking at you.) For now, we take our vitamins, we lather on essential oils, and we have a morning pep talk about controlling our bodies and the volume of our voice. I laughed at loud when I read a note Collin wrote to thank his principal for all his hard work and noticed Collin ended it with, "I am gluten free because my mom thinks its a good idea." Ha! Indeed, Collin is  willing to make the changes but he would be all Cheetos and playing SkyLanders all day if he was in charge,

We are all met with challenges in life and Collin has taught me the most about how to respond to those difficulties. When something proves frustrating for my three over achievers, I have some new resiliency skills up my sleeve. The true life hacks for when, not if, things don't come easy. Let's face it, we live in a culture that is achievement based and celebrates overnight successes. Fighting that flow has been consuming for me. I was the cool, composed young mom at all those award ceremonies where my kids were center stage.  Now I am "that mom" whose kid can't sit still or shoves ahead in pickup line. 

So we have changed what and how we celebrate achievement at our house.  We started looking for what each son specifically excels or struggles with. We will help support where needed and when they get it right? There is no more money for straight A report cards. Now there is going out for froyo and cheers from your brothers. The older boys miss the way it used to work out for them but I am insisting that learning empathy and goal setting and doing it together is the better way,

When I grow up

  Everyone wants to know, what am I going to do now? This stay at home mom gig has certainly ended in some ways and in others, it hasn't changed at all. They are still demanding dinner every night, no matter how I reason that greater men have lived off cold cereal. I am presently using every spare minute to pray my guys are safe at school, go grocery shopping, pay bills, Craigslist all the junk in our garage, and catch up with friends. The future is not so clear. Maybe I will take some classes? Or maybe a job with just the right balance will come up? Right now I am having faith that the skills I've built in the last 15 years will be the perfect resume for the next 15 years. One goal I have is to draft a resume. I want to wrap words around all the late night rocking, boo-boo caring, snack mom-ing, car pooling, and Power Rangers watching days that I dedicated my twenties to.

  I guess at some level I always knew I was working myself out of a job. A more diligent woman would have held on to career goals and networking and all that. I just couldn't hold both. It was easier for me to live lean than to stay working outside the house. Now it feels empty in the house by myself. I think it's going to be the good kind of empty, though. The fresh start kind. And I know am being a bit dramatic. There is all the time they are not in school and Collin is only 8. (pretty sure that sweet boy is going to live with me forever)

  I am currently reading Anne Lamott and found this gem;

“When God is going to do something wonderful, He or She always starts with a hardship; when God is going to do something amazing, He or She starts with an impossibility. ”

― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

    Timely, right? The same impossibility of me morphing into a soccer mom at 18 is at work now. The very same. He/She does good work with my mess. Cheers to dwelling in the possibilities!

Day job

Okay, time to write. Time to put this blog to good use. I know it is a digital scrapbook of my family that you all indulge me on but I want to share more. When I do write something, share it, and get feedback, that is the best feeling. I love hearing that anything I've said resonated or made someone laugh. I realize that my life with  my five guys is a story worth being told. My story, apart from these crazy kids, is also worthy. That is the one that scares me. Being vulnerable about Aubrey, aside from wife and mother.

 So, I have been diligent to journal for over a year on what it is I want to write about. And now the doing is here. Time to get off the runway and take flight. As fate would have it, I think I broke my toe last week. All of a sudden there is ample time to sit and write.

It feels like a rebirth to me, this new season. I have friends raising foster kids, some are amazing teachers, others are pregnant, and I am left with myself during the day wondering what is next. Feeling small but I am asking God to show me. Show me how the now and the next collide. Thank you for hanging with me, those of you who read, and comment, and cheer me on. If you are just here to see cute pics of my boys, that's okay as well.